Be Still! This I repeat to myself when I see my 14 year old son transform his hair to “manga” hair. No not the fruit, but the japanese comic book genre usually in black and white where they have all those over stylized characters mostly refered to as ‘anime’.

Our grocery list includes a wax specifically for Manga hair and Lynx cologne (which is probably the twin of Axe in PI).

I could of course stop buying him this stuff but that wouldn’t stop him from using his dad’s cologne or mine. He could also just start creating a gel made out of cooked rice and glue and that would cost me heaps too (ala Dexter’s laboratory)

As it is, he uses my hair dryer and iron. He wakes up early and does a ritual of drying his hair & ironing it to style, then comes the wax part that seems to take forever. If we wanted him to come with us to some event, we have had to tell him at least 2 hours prior so he would have time to complete his hair do. The hub calls it his mini antennas.

He twitches his head as he walks which really looks so Gay for me. He thinks it is cool. I was once a teenager and I did crazy things to my hair but Insoy tops the hair category.

No typhoon or tsunami will get his hair down. *kidding* of course.

Oh, for the sake of vanity, I close my eyes and keep still hopeful that 5 years from now, his obsession will somehow die down and we would laugh at all his pictures come his wedding day. Oh, I can’t wait. :p

This is my definition of BEAUTY written for Chelo (because I heart her) in true Miss Sitio Kamanggahan fashion…

Beauty is a feeling that reveals itself in the outside. When you feel beautiful, the world will feel beautiful with you. You achieve this by being happy, having a grateful heart, achieving your goals, being prayerful and having a positive attitude always. When you wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and say ‘HELLO BEAUTIFUL ME! That is the best way to start your day. I thank you!

I grew up believing i was very very very beautiful. Blame it on grandparents who gave me  a lot of reason to believe so. Being the first Creekside Princess (my one and only beauty title) and living in sikatuna by the ’sapa’ felt i had a kingdom all of my own. Never mind that my sister teases me forever about this.

When I was exhiled to Banilad where my parents lived during my teenage years, the confidence wavered a little bit because after all there were very pretty girls in pink on our block that hoarded heaps of boyfriends.

I believed I was one of the boys. The boys played tubig tubig with us but played footsies with the pink girlaloos.

And so each year, I turned very beautiful to very plain. That is because, I measured myself against the number of boyfriends to be had. I wasn’t that rediculous but I was not the kind that made it to the Penshoppe or Gaw billboards (the era that Chin missed). Oh yes, I had boyfriends but that is another horror story.

When the kids came, that was when I went from plain to very ugly. My body never bounced back to pre pregnancy state. I did not want to go out because I hate to answer the question (from evil ex-friends)  ‘What happened to you?” as if I turned into a monster.

For many years, I stayed in my invisible bat cave. Socialized with people who did not care about looks but cared about the brains. It was so much fun but the carbohydrate overload, the late nights, and a sedentary life turned me into Mrs. Fatso.

And so, I woke up one day. Look at the mirror and said to myself. Hello Beautiful Me. I said it several times to convince myself.

I asked the hub. “Gwapa ko? (Am I beautiful?) ” And he would reply – “of Course, you are very beautiful! “

However, our mirror sees an overweight woman in her 40s. And so I decided, I will have to re-define myself. The Creekside queen in me wants to do a come back.

I picked up a book on yoga. Enrolled in a gymn. I am joining jazz, zumba, hiphop and salsa classes. I am walking more, drinking more water for my skin and most of all I look in the mirror more. I whisper “hello beautiful!”

I am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. I am dancing because I love to dance. I am happiest when I am dancing. When I see myself in the mirror that fills the whole wall, I see me doing this forever.

The only way to be beautiful is to breathe beautiful.

Watch out World! Meet Beautiful Me (ka ubo! ubo ubo ubo…)

Dinner is my little family’s “us” time. I grew up with everyone always assembled for dinner and so this tradition thrived. When Roland took on his second job, it required him to get home at 8:00 pm. We started dinner without him but it never felt complete and so it is, dinner at our house starts at 8:00 pm.

Each one tells a story. Basti starts with his random summary of the days’ tv news. Whales found along Mission Bay. Black Eyes Peas coming to Auckland… Bits and pieces that interest him and then trivia and knock knock jokes he picks up from school.

Insoy on the other hand is obsessed with music, bands, friends on his band (who is in, who is out), hot girls in school. And by an off chance, news of him passing a test or getting an award.

I, on the other hand, would just give them heads up on what the weekend would be like. I take up the role of the listener most of the time as I have never been good at saying it as it is (without my sister analyzing what I really meant. oh GOD! I miss that girl!)

Lucky for us, I married an animated storyteller of a husband. I suppose that is how he pulls off excitement into his caregiving job. Each night, we step vicariously into the lives of Kevin, Anna, Mary and Frank. He keeps us glued to our seats and begging for desert.

I will compile their stories and share them here. Up next…

The real estate agent handling our rental has advised that the owner wants to meet us on the 21st of July. The letter was sent one month ago and this has kept me worried no end. I have obsessed over this ‘cloud of uncertainty’ looming. The ‘what ifs’ I have been brooding over have been a torture for me these days.

I have nagged the hub to do the curtains and the carpets. He went all out to even change the dining table arrangement.

I have looked at rent signs along our area just in case the owner decides to reclaim her flat. I have looked into current interest rates (wishing I would win the Lotto first) in case she wants to sell the flat to us.

The reality that we can’t afford anything is making me flip out even more.

We live in a small flat in a very quite neighborhood. The children walks to school. I love that the garden allows the kids to run around. Obviously I don’t want to move. Not yet. We are not ready for it.

One week to go and I can’t wait to find out what the purpose of the meeting is all about. The agent doesn’t have a clue either.

So what do I do? I blog hop, revise our Software Testing case study presentation every night by adding new slides (I can hear my team mates go ‘What the f..k?’), FaceBook-tasking, even checked out awesome pieces of art from http://beadsypieces.multiply.com/

This crazy busy-ness is feeding the torment I have inflicted upon myself.

I need all the diversion I could get before I get crushed to find out there was really nothing to be worried about. It will validate a lot of things I already know about me. Yes, I am OA, dugay ra.

2 weeks ago we celebrated the 111th Philippine Independence day. Growing up, the only participation I have had in the past with regards to commemorating this day would be school related activities. I find politics a challenge specially during election time and reading about the presidential rumpus and senate squabbles are just too much for comprehending.

My 10 year old Basti volunteered (yes, he is oozing with over confidence, this kid) to sing the boy’s part of the song ‘Kaming mga Kabataan’. He reasoned that his Bisaya is better than the already Kiwi speaking kids that also joined the group singing presentation being here for less than a year.

I joined the 20 member group who danced the Paradista (the bisaya version of the Kutsero song). Other than my commitment to support the Bisaya group in Auckland, I also wanted my sons to not forget.  They are brown.

The presentations brought me back to the Linggo Ng wika days where different groups presented songs from their respective provinces. There was the tinikling of course, the kundimans, kids playing Sarangola ni Pepe…

Maybe I just missed cebu or maybe I am just too melodramatic. But when everyone was asked to sing ‘Ang Bayan Kong Pilipinas’ with the lyrics projected. Tears just started to drop in trickles up to the part…

Pilipinas kong minumutyâ, Pugad ng luhà ko’t dálitâ, Aking adhikâ, Makita kang sakdál layaaaaa!

Being in another country, made me realize how much I truly am Filipino. Apil ang pagka-Over Acting. Even news of Michael Jackson’s death tore right up the heart. A different kind of pain though. (or maybe the same)

One that reminds us to live life to the fullest and make a difference and never forget our true color. 

Just like the death of Francis M, it takes time for me to recover.  Over acting lagi ko. It must be the rain. Winter just brings so much drama.

The report I was working on yesterday, just disappeared on me. I had to re type the code which took me a half day. Today, the file I had made changes on just couldn’t get checked in to the server. I tried rebooting, have done acrobats on the application, paced the hallway, pulled my hair, banged my forehead on the wall, drank a bottle of water, prayed – still nothing happened.

This was not my day.

The choco sundae on the Burger King window ad did not seem tempting. The beach bums that spent hours getting a tan at Mission Bay didn’t look cute either.

I arrived home hoping to recover my usefulness for the day. It is now 1:32 am and still I could not get the Genius Eye to work. I am wide awake still unable to unravel the IBook G4’s evident aversion with this schlocky webcam.

What the heck! It is officially SATURDAY. I am not pulling any more hairs.

I HATE COMPUTERS!

Ever since the holidays arrived, we had been very watchful of our budget. With the kids on holiday, the pantry goods seem to have a shorter shelf life. We have always been conscious of our spending and checking our online statements daily to make sure we have enough to cover direct debit payments on rent, phone, electricity, etc…

Roland have kept meats in containers that have been carefully portioned to last a week. Every expense listed down into a spreadsheet to make sure we last until the next pay day. 

It does not help that I am paid monthly added to the fact that school holidays are off days for Roland too. No work no pay.

Today, I went to Farmer’s to grab a $10 jar of hair formula which was on sale. (with our budget situation right now, we buy everything on sale)

With the end of holiday season, the stores on the block had a lot of good stuff on sale.  I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was brave enough not to look at the windows. I realized how weak I was today. I just wanted to peep. I entered 1 store, then another, then another. No item purchased. Consciously turning my eyes away from the shoes.

On my route to my bus ride, I thought I had won the battle, but somehow a light blue baby simply made its way to my eyes. The kind of blue that I like. I argued with myself. It did not feel right. I thought, why not just try it on. At least I would know how it would fit. Oh but, it fitted perfectly.  I felt the connection. Reason lost. Defenses down.

This must be how a drug addict feels. Surrender to the urge, I did.

Going out of the store, the guilt feeling slowly seeped in. On my way to the bus, I wanted to return the item. Yet, I also thought of other means of covering up the purchase. I hid the item inside my bag, as if, it can erase the guilt I felt. 

I made up a lot of excuses on my mind as to how the purchase was a NEED. Will this reason stick with Roland? Did I have to explain? How does one justify a want?

Is this purchase worthy of a spanking? I will have to say YES. And because I am weak, I am not returning this item. I will accept the beating. This will just have to be my early valentines gift to myself. 

Because there are days like today that a light blue top just makes you want to work harder. 

got the light blue cardi for 20$ on sale. my guilt purchase for the day

(as an aside, i think i just needed a lift after hearing news that a former colleague in the US lost his job, so sad)

When Basti came to Auckland, he immediately became a friend to our neighbor’s kid Anton. Basti is the type who is  ’i will die for you’ loyal to only one friend at a time. He just turns his world upside down, inside out to one person.  Anton is one year younger and they would walk to school everyday. When one is not around, the other would be concerned. When Basti got sick, Anton would come to the house to ‘mother’ him. Basti would let Anton play with his DS exclusively.

But 2 days before Christmas, Anton climbed and went up the garage roof  playing hide and seek. Basti was concerned so he called out to let him down. When Anton went down, Basti pulled his leg which caused Anton to hit some cement that pained him. Basti felt sorry but Anton got mad because it lost him the game. Hatred followed. Basti got mad, Anton got mad. We tried to reconcile the two of them before Christmas. Insoy helped, neighbors helped, then us parents helped too. But Anton and Basti can’t be friends no more.

Basti and Anton, they were the best of friends (for a while). Today, they are not talking. I know Basti hurts and Anton hurts too. Maybe they were really not meant to be friends.

We can give it time but I know it will never be the same again. Basti is the type who never forgets hurt. He will talk about it forever if he has to. This boy will hold on to the pain forever. He is stubborn and ruthless.

I tried to intervene. Qouting him lines of friendship and forgiveness. But I also want him to learn the lesson in all of this. There are people I know who are close to me who never forget and forgive. I know the pain can consume them.

They have their reasons to feel this way. Oh well, I cannot let them be me.  (just musing)

The weather is gloomy. It has been cold and raining all day. I am getting to be addicted to coffee. The boys have been catching up with sleep and I am spending time updating this blog and cleaning up the hard disk on our computer.

The boys had fun taking a video of Roland’s snoring and running around in the rain earlier.

While I have been wishing for lazy days like this, it seems I am not ready for it. I am bored and going crazy looking at the minutes pass me by. I am not in the mood to read a book, to watch a dvd or raid the fridge. Maybe it is time to get a shower. Or maybe another cup of coffee?