Louie Vui

my imitation LV

Yesterday, we drove up to North Shore to pick up the bag that my mom sent me through someone who just arrived from a Cebu vacation. She does random acts of kindness or perhaps she can’t help but be concerned that I have been using the same bag day in and day out when she visited.

There is a shop at the back of USJR that sells really good imitation bags. It is a hole on the wall. They keep the good buys at the hidden corner of the store and the tinderas usually have favorite customers who they lead to this special corner. Some even send text messages when new bags arrive.  My mom and sister frequents this place. I used to come along with them too.

And always, it feels like “richness” to own a bag like this. Feels like shopping in Beverly Hills.

Thank you Mother.

Just one of those days

The report I was working on yesterday, just disappeared on me. I had to re type the code which took me a half day. Today, the file I had made changes on just couldn’t get checked in to the server. I tried rebooting, have done acrobats on the application, paced the hallway, pulled my hair, banged my forehead on the wall, drank a bottle of water, prayed – still nothing happened.

This was not my day.

The choco sundae on the Burger King window ad did not seem tempting. The beach bums that spent hours getting a tan at Mission Bay didn’t look cute either.

I arrived home hoping to recover my usefulness for the day. It is now 1:32 am and still I could not get the Genius Eye to work. I am wide awake still unable to unravel the IBook G4’s evident aversion with this schlocky webcam.

What the heck! It is officially SATURDAY. I am not pulling any more hairs.

I HATE COMPUTERS!

Blissful January

I am THANKFUL

* for the successful and well attended Sinulog 2009 in Auckland

* for having started the year with a phone call from Colorado. She is someone with the most beautiful mind and heart.

* for sons who does house chores without being told, finally a routine they are used to

* for a cozy wedding in Singapore last January 9. I love this couple.

* for new found friends and conversations over food at a Vietnam Restaurant along NewMarket

* for pasalubongs from Cebu. I get to touch the item that my family touched and lovingly sent our way. I feel the love.

* for finding the webcam that will work with the mac. Soon! I am super excited. Once this is setup, I will work on a microphone next. =) Lahi ra ang images nga amang.

* for friends who I reconnected with through FaceBook

* for hand me downs from Alfred and Merced who did not want to take them old cabinets to their newly acquired house.  They are now in each of our bedrooms.

* for the beautiful & magical photographs of weddings, the sinulog, everyday beauty in life and inspiring stories from the very talented people I stalk.  It inspires.

Viva Pit Senyor

Viva, viva, viva Pit Senyor

January 11

Roland have been bringing the kids to the library to borrow books while he prints out his CV and roam around the St. Heliers area. The kids now prefer to stay home and does a mini contest on who would finish more books in a day. Basti have been drawing and I have encouraged him to make a compilation. He thinks he can make money out of it. Tough luck, kid!

While Insoy is starting to write his own blog at friendster.

This started when they were not allowed to play computer games anymore. Although this is how I want their summer holiday to be like, I did not expect them to be too serious.

I now encourage them to go to the beach and play ball at the park in the afternoon when it is not too hot.

Roland thinks I am confusing them with my rules. You’d think he would have understood (by now) how a lady’s mind works. Naglibog sila.

January 10

sto nino with his new wardrobe from cebu

The 9 days novena for the feast of the Sto Nino has started. Having been used to very lavish decors done on the altar during fiestas (in  Cebu), my thoughts have not rested after seeing the very simple red and yellow curtains used with very few flowers. The senyor who grants our prayers deserve an excessively lavish spread.

Ever since yesterday, my mind have not rested. I have created a problem. Roland thinks I should not be bothered. But I am this way. I yearn for something to be done right to the point of being pushy.

I imagined floral decorations that were inexpensive but looked grand. I pictured red, white and gold balloons used as the base where the image sits. Silk curtains and candelabras lighted. I also thought of putting crafty paper cut-outs that had hearts lining tall glass vases in different sizes where people can put in their petitions.

What is stopping me? I don’t have a Micmic,  Liza, Pat or an Aileen in Auckland who can help. I have not been here long enough to trust someone who can imagine it the way I do and execute it perfectly.

I will just have to learn to be patient and re-visit the plan for next year instead. Oh, but I am just too anxious. I can’t help imagine how Cebu altar decorations would look. Excited to see photos from Mai & Aileen.

January 9

Tough times ahead.

P,E and some other people from a company I used to work for (in the US) have lost their jobs. Stating cost cutting as a reason. The announcement have made some tense mood around the office. V have emailed me his neurosis over the situation. He has just bought a house. They were given a compulsory 2 days leave without pay and each one had to take a 5% pay cut.

It is not comforting at all that last Christmas, 2 of our neighbors lost their jobs. They have been made redundant they say. Auckland is not spared.

During our christmas party, management announced that there will be no salary increase this year. They have congratulated the top honchos who opted for a salary cut just to keep operating cost to a workable level.

Mom had been complaining that they have to repossess the motorcycles they have loaned for financing because the customers are not able to pay anymore. The option to only sell in cash basis is not working either. They have gone into mining, human resources, forwarding, maski nalang unsa – sudlan. It is good that she has loyalistas around.

A dear friend P risked all to try her wings in Singapore but unfortunately have had no luck. Have not heard from her and I worry.

It is sad. We will have to be zealous in our prayers, hang tough with our circumstance yet flexible to explore new territories.

Study other options, learn a new trade, look for inspiration and breathe action.

No matter what happens, PAYT PAYTER!

January 8

Ever since the holidays arrived, we had been very watchful of our budget. With the kids on holiday, the pantry goods seem to have a shorter shelf life. We have always been conscious of our spending and checking our online statements daily to make sure we have enough to cover direct debit payments on rent, phone, electricity, etc…

Roland have kept meats in containers that have been carefully portioned to last a week. Every expense listed down into a spreadsheet to make sure we last until the next pay day. 

It does not help that I am paid monthly added to the fact that school holidays are off days for Roland too. No work no pay.

Today, I went to Farmer’s to grab a $10 jar of hair formula which was on sale. (with our budget situation right now, we buy everything on sale)

With the end of holiday season, the stores on the block had a lot of good stuff on sale.  I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was brave enough not to look at the windows. I realized how weak I was today. I just wanted to peep. I entered 1 store, then another, then another. No item purchased. Consciously turning my eyes away from the shoes.

On my route to my bus ride, I thought I had won the battle, but somehow a light blue baby simply made its way to my eyes. The kind of blue that I like. I argued with myself. It did not feel right. I thought, why not just try it on. At least I would know how it would fit. Oh but, it fitted perfectly.  I felt the connection. Reason lost. Defenses down.

This must be how a drug addict feels. Surrender to the urge, I did.

Going out of the store, the guilt feeling slowly seeped in. On my way to the bus, I wanted to return the item. Yet, I also thought of other means of covering up the purchase. I hid the item inside my bag, as if, it can erase the guilt I felt. 

I made up a lot of excuses on my mind as to how the purchase was a NEED. Will this reason stick with Roland? Did I have to explain? How does one justify a want?

Is this purchase worthy of a spanking? I will have to say YES. And because I am weak, I am not returning this item. I will accept the beating. This will just have to be my early valentines gift to myself. 

Because there are days like today that a light blue top just makes you want to work harder. 

 

got the light blue cardi for 20$ on sale. my guilt purchase for the day

(as an aside, i think i just needed a lift after hearing news that a former colleague in the US lost his job, so sad)

January 7 evening

 

I opened my gmail and I got this. Now I’m wondering. What will come next? I hope it will not cost me both arms and legs. Oh my, this is stressing me out. Breathe in, breathe out. 

I asked why? And he said, he just want to be a better son in 2009. 

I am relieved. I hope I can be a better mother too.

 

But first, he needs to learn to type faster than his thoughts. Properly capitalize first letters and use a period at the end of each sentence. Sayop na pud! =) Dukla nalang ko, please. 

January 7

Back in cebu (I make it sound ages ago) I was never chummy with my boys. They would call for Daddy first. I left for business trips for months so it made sense that the affinity they had would be with the parent who was always around. Displays of affection were scant and required too much effort.

I slowly built on the relationship. Be in school to get the report cards. Go shopping with them. Help them with homework (which I may add – required a LOT of patience, in fact I should say a higher level of being). Drove them to school. Picked them up from school (este mommyla’s place). Played computer games with them. Went to the mall with them. Bribed them with DS games and TimeZone cards. Talked to them. Learned their lingo. Learned to love pizza and burgers. Learned to dip fries in soda. Learned their music and memorized lyrics so I can sing with them. Listened to their never ending stories (and learned to distinguish real from made up). Shared my world to them. Went on bonding trips just us without Dad. Watched Moymoy Palaboy on You Tube with them. Helped them with setting up a Friendster account. Laughed at their silly jokes. Even attended EduChild seminars so I can learn from other parents.  

But there was always a feeling of incompetence as I strived my very best to be ‘cool’ mom. They did not get the grades I dreamt of. Insoy has not lost weight despite going to see a dietician. =( They hide ’secrets’ from me. And most days I wished they were the talented and the most behaved kids that made it to the news.

Don’t get me wrong. I am more than proud that they can draw very well, create music and can easily pick up a tune, weave impossible stories, can swim forever, get to above normal levels in computer games, talk to invisible people (one was named Jim) and can memorize desederata BUT…I could well be the mom from hell.

I pushed and pushed for more. Bought a guitar with song books for Insoy and got him to play during birthdays (much to his displeasure). Enroled him in a tutorial to improve his math (despite the cost). Got Basti to join a singing contest (despite his imagined stage fright) and so much more summer classes…I am lucky they trust me enough to just go ahead and get it done with. I know it must be suffocating them, this quest for going beyond limits but I know this is the only way. Stressful it may seem.

I was certainly not brought up this way. Yes, I did have piano, art, and other ek ek lessons but there never was an uttered marked target for excellence. Somehow, sa kasuok suokan sa akong huna huna, there was the intention to always do good and make my parents proud of me.

However, I felt, with boys, I have to jam the idea into their heads. Itatak sa ilang alimpo. To do beyond subtle reminders that in everything they do, they should do it well with pride. The kind that makes them beam with achievement. I mean in everything. Washing dishes, cleaning the toilet, clearing the dinner table, doing their beds, even answering the phone.

I wonder if the reminders will ever stick. I tire of hearing myself. I tried lowering my expectations. But I just can’t. If I am not crippling them, I am crippling me. There is no center line.  The eye rolling & the long ‘i can kill you now’ stare cannot be done without me articulating with ipod volume clarity my rules, over and over (saying this 1 million times 1 million times).

 
But today. Today, I crumbled into splinters and melted like an M & M. I heard angels singing Gloria.

Insoy and Basti came to our room and greeted me a ‘Good Morning, Mom’ first. And I got the tightest hug and “thank you”.
For what? I asked.

“For loving us like you do and for always making us do our best.”

I so wanted to say, I hope you mean it by following my orders with eyes rolled.
But I stopped myself and instead just hugged them back. Oh, J O Y! My world made a happy spin today.