What to do

Something is not right about my job.

I am either occupied full on (as in the kind where lunch moves to 4:00 pm)
or I am so dormant, I could daydream all day. There is no middle line.

And on days when I need to pinch myself to stay awake, I take longer lunch walks. I doodle, scribble & tinker with anything on my desk because boredome kills.

Imagine the number of times I have moved stuff inside my drawers up and down, side to side, front and back. (did that with my wallet too)

I played with the tissue paper holder in the women’s toilet just for the fun of it.  Heck, I even counted the holes on the women’s shower just to keep me amused.

I prefer the toxic days. I find it entertaining to receive calls and tons of emails from stressed out collegues running after month end reports. I welcome this sense of usefulness where I am able to accomplish a task.

So for the meantime, I blog.  Hoping it appeases this craving to finish something today. Maybe I should practice levitating next.

Grateful

At the end of the day, when they are both in Lala land (and the bickering ends)… they stick to each other and wake up in each others arms.

Seeing them this way just amuses me silly. Blood is thicker than water, you bet it is.

Home Front

I remembered taking a personality test at Aboitiz for a programming job. I don’t know how accurate it was but I took it after finishing a 6 hour programming proficiency test (lunchless). They decided not to hire me because the result showed that I was ‘too happy go lucky’ (whatever that means <scratching kili kili>).

Perhaps, it is. I never am competitive. I would do things based on feelings. I place my pressing concerns at the bottom of my to do list hoping they go away. I keep feelings to myself hidden deep. And for most people, I choose to make it more difficult to let them know how I really feel. (keep them guessing <i suppose>)

But one thing is for sure, if I want to do something, I am persistent, stubborn and unreasonably relentless. =)

***

After the “run away” episode, it has been difficult to move on.

Communicating is now like dancing on an acrobat’s tight rope suspended so high – one slip and we re-start painfully. We move in the same space and yet there are fences dividing us, me on one side. Oh, we try. God knows how much we try.

It is never easy. Born with the genes of Daguhoy on both sides, Gargantuan temperaments are what we are very wary of.  Too much drama is not my cup of tea. It makes me disappear to another world.  That for you, is the happy go lucky me.

And on the off moments that I retreat, the lion pounces & the dance begins. (the war dance that is, hehehe)

***

And so we are vigilant. We dream awake… for resilience. We can and we will keep our wits constantly sharpened.

***

Praying constantly. Loving perpetually.

9 Days

The past few days were toxic yet exhilarating. While the hub worked on a 150 page souvenir book for the 2010 Sinulog festivities, I coordinated the 9 days novena masses making sure there were altar servers, collectors, offerers, ministers of the word and communion, rosary and novena leaders and of course, the choir. Add in Liturgical Dance practice, altar decorations and sleepless nights checking emails for attachments that would go to the sponsors pages.

Never in my life could I imagine taking on a role of actively participating in the liturgical service. I remembered failing a test that asked us to write down the order of the parts of the mass and yet now I have to remember when to nudge the reader to come up for the Prayers of the Faithful. Oh yes, it still does gives me goose bumps still thinking about it. I don’t even know if I am worthy at all. If it happened in Cebu, I’m sure it would guarantee a news page specially paid for by my crazy friends who might just be lighting candles at Santo Rosario by now. Or better yet, they might just get me checked out for burns after exhaustive religious activities. Luckily the exercise was good only for 9 days.

I must say, that although the task was daunting, it was never tiring. At the end of the day, it was JOY. The kind of joy one feels when you are reunited with someone you have missed so much.

Each year when Sinulog is celebrated, there is this ‘reunited’ feeling. Friends meet, ties are rekindled. Each one does the assigned task together. It is indeed like One beat, one dance, one vision.

Each year, new lessons are learned. Each year, the fire keeps burning.  Each year, prayers are answered. And perhaps, each year, a lot of me do change.

2010 and writing…

How does one come back to writing again? Start with a few words, I suppose.

It has been more than a month since I last visited here.

Christmas and New Year’s day flew by just like a regular non significant day. Except for the ‘overflowing’ food and friends chatting until midnight bit’, still it was never the kind I grew up with.

And no, I was not farming or visiting my Yoville pad at Facebook. I didn’t even have the time to complete my christmas card giving this year. (please have the heart to forgive me, i promise to prepare earlier next year)  Know that I am constantly praying for you still.

I feel such an idiot because I completely lost time between the kid’s friends sleeping over, laundry, ironing (it is becoming a necessity this summer), constant cleaning up of our little flat, of course my 8 to 5 desk job – because the newspaper business doesn’t miss a day of printing plus throw the year end reporting in and heaps of work for the Sto Nino Devotees and the Infinite Technology Society Inc. And don’t forget my gymn routine and Zumba. =)

I can’t multitask as much as I was used to and that worries me. But 2010 holds a lot of promising & interesting projects at work and certifications due for ITSI.

Actually, my otherwise ‘missing the family reunion’ holiday wasn’t too bad because

a. we had a really fun skype video call with family in cebu – complete with dad &  micmic’s laughter and teasing

b. my Deebangs gave me a surprise call from Singapore on the 24th of Dec. tears of joy and muffled shouts amidst unknown shoppers doing last minute gift wrapping at the warehouse was my much needed drama for the day. oh, she is a darling.  

c. my little groupie had bonding moments at the park, had late night chikas’ and did waterfalls trekking at Kitekite

d. the hub saved up to get me a fujifilm bridging camera. it is getting me close to a dslr and the pressure is for me to take lots of practice photos (i can’t let him down). my hands are getting sweaty now thinking about it.

e. i think i am now getting closer to the core of my little family divergence. with that, a solution is not far away. lines of communication is now opening up. me think we are going to be fine (and i truly believe it to be so, too)

Life is good. When I am close to emotional and sibya luha-ish, I think of all the blessings I have. And yes, aside from my family, I am truly blessed with friends…

Beloved friends who have exciting stories of their own. I can’t wait to see the little one that we will be meeting in a couple of weeks. I hope she will have her mom’s dimples and dad’s eyes.

and to all, THANK YOU for the inspiring stories & comforting comments.  i am guilty of getting lost in the beauty of your prose and photos.

Twenty Ten and writing… we are so ready for you.

Elvie

 I have this friend in college named Elvie. She is petite and could wear any color and look totally hip. She is so fashionable, I swear she could wear a rag and still look good. She knew exactly how to mix and match. She can go from funky to classy anyday depending on her wake up mood.

I remembered Elvie today because we moved to an area in the office where I am sitting close to Cris. She reminds me so much of Elvie, and she is not even petite at all. She wore an electric blue evening ‘date’ blousy ensemble over denims and she pulled it off without any of the men giving her nasty remarks for such a sexy number.

I guess this is what they call the ‘X’ factor. How do I get that? Does it take a lot of long hours in the morning or do they just have ‘IT’. The ability to blend into the clothes without even trying.

Fashion models look good because some fashion designers do this for them. But, everyday non top model like me. How about me? 

Oh, geese louise Cris. Please stop making me feel such a slob. Oh, one day, I should take lessons from her. She is so put together.

hahaha. hahay, new ambitions coming.

Spurs

I got the result of my ankle xray yesterday. The nurse gave me a call to inform me of the finding.  I was such an ‘idiot’ not to ask her to repeat the terms I couldn’t make out. I think I was just happy she did not make it sound so serious. I understood the part she said about “no arthritis” loud and clear.

They found spurs on both your ankle but your left foot looks bad. You need to see your doctor soon so he can explain to you the remedies that can be done.

My doctor appointment is on the 14th of December. That is how far away appointments are. Dios Mio San Antonio Spurs. =(

Anyway, I started to do my own research. Ankle spurs are common in overweight women in their 40s. Home remedies can be done like stretching and using orthotics churvah. For chronic cases, surgery may have to be the solution.

I have the symptoms listed on the mayo clinic site. It is up to my doctor now to prescribe what needs to be done for my case. Meanwhile, I will just have to get informed and try some stretches for now.

This is a good excuse to get new shoes too. *wink*

A New Day

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to write my thoughts down.

Today is Basti’s birthday. Insoy decided to cook him breakfast. He is sweet when he wants to be. This is him feeling guilty for the other night.

It was horrible. He lashed out on all of us and wanted to kill himself with our kitchen knife. We had to rush and put them all away. I had to call a neighbor and ask for help. It was like a scene from a movie where everyone would be glued to their seat and wait for ‘what’s next?’.

It was exhausting the long talk that lasted forever. Yet, I am still feeling cautious. He says he is sorry but the trauma of the episode still lingers. If I sleep, I can’t help but to think of what may happen. His mind could slip and it will start all over again. I am paranoid. Or perhaps going crazy.

Yet, I know I can’t live like this. This has to stop and it stops right now.

And so I will start the day with house cleaning. I might do some rearranging. It will erase the scene from the other night (in my head). Then I will go to the gym and do a 2 hour workout only because I need to get the anger out of my system. Then, I will attend the 12 o’clock mass for Basti and meet up with Fr. Gilbert for a confession.

The hub has taken time off today as well. We will be talking to a counselor. I know it will all be up to us but we just need to sort this out together with professional help.

Insoy is going through a fighting stage. Like a lion perhaps who have been in a cage (protected) for a long time wanting his freedom. I am sure he misses Cebu and the comfort that family was just a block away. He requested that he talked to his grandfather the other night and he was in tears. It broke my heart.

Tough love. How tough should it be?

He has agreed that we talk to someone (another person) for him to let out all his feelings. I was once in this stage where he is. I was only 12 then. I know this will make him stronger just like it did to me. We will have to experience this with him.  Just like how my parents were with me when I was in this ‘aweful’ stage.

We should have been better prepared. I missed the signs.

Today, we will celebrate Basti. The one who said ‘Mom, Kuya is in puberty stage now. The “uptight” saputon stage.’ I am glad that he understands. He is turning 11. It will only be a few years when he will get to this stage too. I should be better prepared.

So today, we shield each other with love. Love is the key. We will get through this just by assuring each other of our love. For someone who does not know how to express it, it is about time I do.

Insoy and Basti, today, you will both have all my attention and lots of loving. Bantay lang gyud mo. It will be suffocating! <evil grin>

 

*** and to my family and friends who have been with us in this ordeal. thank you for all the love and support. ***

 

Our Battle (Part 4)

Morning came. The first text I sent him was ‘I miss my eldest son. I hope he misses me too’. I hated to be so desperate. Yet, I was.
Roland wasted no time to drive around the block to search for the ‘lost sheep’.

He knocked at Kuya Gaby’s place. He told him, Insoy spent the night at Papatoetoe. They were together, thank God. But when they arrived, he ran off to the park. He knew there was something wrong. Insoy did not open up to his friends.

He found him at the park. He sat there alone.

Roland asked him about breakfast. He looked very haggard. He was still adamant about being on his own.

Roland told him about our plan to call the police and force him to come home because he was only 14. 2 more years and he can be on his own. He needed to go to school so he can plan his life better. There was no way he can stay at friend’s houses forever. The government will put him in a home somewhere far where we can’t reach him. He cannot let his happen.

He ran away. He did not want to listen. He didn’t look at Roland’s eyes. He was angry and tired. I know he was. He didn’t even bring his toothbrush with him. One thing for sure, he was very tired.

When Roland came home without him, I knew from the talk, that this will soon be over. It was just a matter of waiting. Another night, 2 days perhaps, a week. Who knows?
I texted him the second time. “We are going to church. Do you have your gel and hair dryer where you are at? Dad says you look very haggard.”

I went inside the bathroom to take a bath. I heard my mobile ringing and had to run out. I knew it was him. He wrote. “Should I come home now?”

I was elated he texted me. I rang him and he answered. I asked ‘Where are you?’. He answered, he was at the mailbox. Our mailbox. He was about to cry but I knew he did not want me to hear that. He put down the phone. I asked Roland to pick him up. It was 3 houses away through the driveway.

I was at the door waiting. I hugged him when he came in. He did not look at me. He did not hug back. I expected that. He went straight to his room. Took a bath. And we went through the motions, silently. We did not have to say anything to each other.

What mattered was that he came home.

I am writing this down here. The drama of my life. Because yes, one day, I would like to come back to it here and remember that it was not easy. The battle we all have to fight. No one wins. We just continue to hurt ourselves when we stand our ground and never give in to forgive.

We have not talked about it since. We watched the Pacquiao-Cotta fight pretending that we didn’t have our own battles to fight.

One day, we will have to talk about this.  We are not ready yet.

We had a feast for lunch and dinner. Perhaps that is how we prepare for the next battle. Ah, life. Who said it will be easy?

Our Battle (Part 3)

All was still. I was tired. It was a long day. Now I had to stop pretending it did not hurt. I prayed hard for the Holy Spirit to guide his thoughts. I prayed hard for the angels to keep him safe. I prayed hard for a soul to guide him back home.

We did not have news now of where he was going to stay. We just have to rely on prayers and faith.
Mom sent us a long email and she said ‘you need to find the lost sheep”.

I was not ready to talk to anyone. Roland thinks I was too strict. I think he was too lenient. There was no middle line. We did not fight over this. There was nothing we could do. It has happened. We needed to have a plan yet we did not have a plan at all. We waited. We just sat there. Waiting until sleep took over.

He slept at the lounge, awake most times. Hoping that he will return home that night. It didn’t matter what time. He was ready to open the door for him.

I slept in our room. I texted him “Good night! We never abandoned you. You abandoned us. I hope you get enough sleep. Tomorrow will be another day. You can hate us all you want but you have our blood running in your veins. No matter what happens. We never stopped loving you.”

I had a dreamless sleep just how I wanted it to be. I wanted morning to come soon.